Choose to ignore this and you'll avoid spending the next few hours battling it out. Sometimes the hardest part of a BIFF Response is not doing it at all. I hate you and now you'll be sorry you filed for divorce." Lots more than that crappy amount you pay now. You'll NEVER get any custody because you're such a sack of s**t and you're going to have to give me a ton of money. All the BS you say about me is going to get you hammered in court. If I don't hear by then, I'll just assume you won't need my help with it. Let me know by 11:00 tomorrow what day and time you need to go since I must give advance notice to my work. I can make time to help you drop off your car for repairs on Saturday or Tuesday.
As I said this morning, I couldn't miss my meeting. “Hi Bob, I'm glad you were able to make it and that you still have your job. You could have taken time off to help YOUR OWN BROTHER!!! Mom's mad at you too. You don't have to worry about unreasonable bosses. BUT YOU COULDN'T BE BOTHERED WITH HELPING ME GET THERE, COULD YOU? You and your FANCY JOB. You know I've been meaning to get the car checked. Some sister you are! I TOLD YOU I COULDN'T BE LATE AGAIN. It’s almost guaranteed to be taken as an admission of guilt, which an HCP will use against you to place blame and defend their actions. “I’m sorry my email upset you” is accepting responsibility for the other person’s emotions. “Sorry I was late” is OK as a social nicety. Apologies. Most of us apologize sometimes, but it easily backfires with HCPs.Things like “You’re overreacting” or “You should be ashamed” are not going to help them hear you.
BIFF RESPONSE EXAMPLES HOW TO
Long explanations and arguments trigger upsets for HCPs. Don’t take the bait when the next re-worded email with the same demand comes along. Further demands to discuss the same matter are not valid and need no reply, or a shorter version- one time - of what you said last time. Additionally, a decision needed for a concrete issue is only valid if it’s new. Asking what time to pick up a child is valid. Saying everybody is mad at you/blaming you is not valid. An accusation that you never communicate is invalid. A decision on an appointment time is valid.
Look for valid matters and ignore the barbs. Read the email/ text with a critical eye: Is there anything that really requires a reply? (A deadline, an appointment, a PTA conference, a needed decision). Rule #1 is always to ask: “Do I need to reply to this at all?”
Then practice, practice, practice! In the beginning, you may find yourself staring at a blank screen wondering, “What do I say?” The answer will vary from case-to-case, but let’s review the ground rules and then go over a few examples. The BIFF Response® Method helps you get it under control. The website and book will give you the method essentials, so check them out if you haven’t already. Dealing with High Conflict People (HCPs) and their irate communications can leave you at a loss.
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